Finding love in midlife is hard. Dating second time round can be both daunting and bewildering especially when the rules have changed so much since you were last out there — and no doubt you have, too.
The good news is, that as a leading relationship coach and author, with 20 years of experience helping individuals to become stronger, happier versions of themselves, particularly after relationship break-ups, I can help you navigate this new world.
Think of this as a time of opportunity — your chance to redesign your life as you want to live it. Take heart, be brave. With my advice, you really can gain the power and strength to find love.
It's not them, it's you
To find love, you must rediscover your identity as an individual first, otherwise how can you know who would suit you?
Ask yourself, what makes me happy? What did I enjoy when I was younger? If I could choose anything to do now, what would it be? Identify what interests you and act on it.
Finding love in midlife is hard. Dating second time round can be both daunting and bewildering especially when the rules have changed so much since you were last out there
This shifts your focus. It can't, and mustn't, be all about finding someone. Then, figure out what values are most important to you.
Love, security, passion, adventure, stability, honesty, drive? Work out your top five values for a relationship, and rank them.
If stability is your priority, and you meet a man whose number one value is adventure, however much you love each other, that relationship is going to be tricky.
He'll want to jump out of planes and climb mountains, which will constantly challenge your most cherished value and make you unhappy.
Ditch your friends
Who you spend time with directly impacts how you feel about yourself, as well as your opportunities to meet new people.
Often your closest friends are not the most helpful in this particular area of our lives.
Don't always retreat to your safe space — the old friend who says: 'We'll stay in, get a takeaway.'
Be brave, push through your comfort zone, or you'll remain stuck. Book a retreat or a cookery course and go alone.
Chances are you'll only do it on your own once because you'll create new friendships with people in a similar situation — people, who are, like you, being positive about finding love.
Yes, you are ready
These days you can date from your sofa, in your pyjamas. You just go online. A lot of my clients say, 'I'm not ready!' My advice is, 'You'll never be ready, just do it.'
Dating from home will build you up. You'll get a few 'likes', and chat for a bit, then realise 'people want to meet me'.
That will motivate you to take control of whatever is denting your confidence. A lot of my clients feel they've let themselves go.
Face what worries you — weight, fitness, lifestyle — and enjoy changing. Present the person you want your date to see.
Learn the rules
The dating game has changed, so be prepared to play by the new rules. If you're meeting people online, it's normal to date more than one person. That means chatting to and engaging with up to six people at a time.
You might arrange coffee with three or four. But only when you've had the chat 'Are we exclusive?' is it a strictly monogomous relationship. Until then, expect them to date other people, too.
Don't be a limpet!
When searching for love, you can't look for someone to fill the emotional gaps in you — you've got to fill those gaps yourself. You need to heal any hurt or upset you're carrying yourself.
In my clinic, I often see clients who are unhappy because they don't like being alone, so their criteria for a new partner is 'do they have a pulse?' and 'they showed me a sign of affection'.
People like this go into what I call 'limpet mode' — they sucker themselves to anyone who shows a glimmer of interest and bombard them with messages. It scares the person off.
You have to find a way of accepting yourself, of loving your own strengths and weaknesses.
Part of this is having a positive outlook and enough self-awareness to be good company. Don't point out you're having a bad hair day or detail every woe.
Think of a few fun, upbeat topics of conversation. That said, if what you project is not the real you, you're wasting your time.
Interview: Anna Maxted
The Split: From Breakup To Breakthrough In 30 Days Or Less by Sara Davison is out now (amazon.co.uk). See saradavison.com
Has this tech team cracked dating for over-50s?
By Liz Hoggard
The over-50s have been neglected by dating sites for years, says expert Charly Lester.
'So many friends have approached me over the past six years and said: 'My parents have just got divorced.
'What dating site would you recommend for my mum?' And I just didn't have an answer for them.
Toegether Antoine Argouges and Charly Lester launched a dating app for singles over 50
'I'd explain I'd spoken to women in their 50s and 60s and that, honestly, I didn't have a site or an app I could recommend because their experiences had been quite miserable.'
It was, she explains, that old problem of men wanting to date younger women, while women tended to prefer men of their own age.
Many women in their 50s would sign up excitedly to a dating site only to be ignored.
So, given 7.5 million over 50s in Britain are single, divorced or widowed, Charly decided to invent the first over-50s app, designed to use on your smartphone.
Launched last September, Lumen hit the headlines almost immediately — but not necessarily for the right reasons.
You may have seen their Sexy Santa ad campaign just before Christmas where a fit, silver-haired guy was pictured shirtless, holding a plate of mince pies ('Pull A Cracker This Christmas').
It caused a storm, with accusations of objectifying men. The ad was banned by Transport for London.
Launched last September, Lumen hit the headlines almost immediately — but not necessarily for the right reasons
Charly is unrepentant. They used a photo of a real-life model, Paul Orchard (age 58), to show mature daters can be sexy and have a sense of fun.
'That shouldn't be news to anyone — yet the fact that it became a national news story shows it is.'
Then, last week, Lumen revealed its most successful fiftysomething users — all of whom looked eminently datable — causing another media storm.
The result is that Lumen is not only one of the most talked about dating apps, but more than 250,000 singles have signed up, making it the most popular app for over-50s in the UK.
Ironically, it took two tech-savvy thirtysomethings to come up with the idea. Do they really know what it's like to be single after divorce or bereavement? Or the horror of being the only fiftysomething woman on a singles holiday?
Perhaps not, but both do have experience of online dating.
Despite her youthful appearance, Charly, 35, has been a dating consultant for six years.
She used to be an agony aunt for website eharmony and is the creator of The Dating Awards, the Oscars for the online dating industry. Currently single, she uses dating apps.
Her business partner Antoine Argouges, 30, previously at dating apps Badoo and Bumble, met his wife on a French dating app.
'I enjoy making products that change people's lives as much as one changed mine,' he says.
Charly says this sets them apart. 'We know the pitfalls, we know the frustrations. So we've tried to work functionality into the app.'
Which means making it as easy as possible to meet genuine, like-minded singles in a safe space.
In fact, over-50s have been a forgotten generation in tech. Until recently you couldn't even create a Tinder account if you were over 50.
And even now you get lumped into the 55+ category (with no chance to show your individual age).
Most dating services aimed at fiftysomethings started as websites used on a home computer (eharmony, Our Time, Plenty of Fish) or matchmaking agencies.
The feeling was that 'mature daters' like me wouldn't find apps easy to navigate. But now 73 per cent of those aged 50 to 59 own a smartphone, Charly thinks we're ready to embrace the technology.
I'm going to need some convincing, to be honest. Even though I spend my life glued to my phone and laptop, I'm not thrilled by the idea of dating apps. I'm short-sighted, so dread tiny print.
Plus, I prefer a full screen so I can read carefully about potential daters. There are lots of 'red flags' you can spot from photos, such as the lack of furniture (even bachelor pads should have chairs) or an ex-wife chopped out of the picture.
My younger friends get exasperated. 'You're quite a modern, happening woman,' says one. 'You can use Uber. You need to widen your repertoire with dating apps.'
The truth is I'm quite a slow, deliberate dater, which doesn't work in a world of 'swipe culture'.
I like an A4-size screen to write on, and the chance to scroll back over messages.
But Charly reassures me that sending messages on the Lumen app is no different to using Facebook Messenger to contact friends. And it's true.
The app is clearly designed, simple to operate. I can scroll back over messages. It's also a relief to get a notification on my phone when someone contacts me rather than having to keep logging into a website.
Once registered, you can start chatting immediately. Lumen claims to be the only mainstream dating app to insist on 100 per cent photo verification, so you know who you are talking to is really who they say they are.
When you register, you are required to upload a selfie as part of the verification process and an algorithm authenticates this image against other pictures provided.
The technology is so sophisticated it can detect age too. 'If you look significantly younger than 50, a human moderator will look at it.
'And it will match your age against your Facebook site, if you log in that way, too.'
Youngsters get a polite rebuttal. Necessary, says Charly, because women in their 50s get targeted by men in their 20s and 30s on other sites. 'I hadn't realised the phenomenon of cougar hunting was such a big problem,' she admits.
The app is not swipe-based. Which is refreshing when the average attention span of someone on apps such as Tinder is a terrifying six seconds.
'One of the things we heard from people in their 50s and 60s is they were put off by the disposable treatment of people on certain apps.'
Each profile must have a minimum of three photos (Tinder asks for one), plus an 'about me' section and a 'what I'm looking for section'.
Profiles also have 'badges' — height, ethnicity, kids, liberal/conservative — which give you an overview of people's leanings.
Lumen allows you to start three new conversations a day (though you can read and reply to any number of messages).
Once you have reached your limit, you can double your number of conversations and see who has favourited you by paying for Premium Mode (from £7.99).
They've designed the app to encourage meaningful conversations. Your ice breaker message should be at least 50 characters long. It's not good enough just to say 'hi'.
Though I did get one gem from Ian, 56: 'I'm divorced two kids. Area manager. What are you looking for?' Which felt like a three-act play in two sentences.
When someone messages you, you have 72 hours to reply (on Bumble it's 24 hours.)
Lumen will send you a reminder, but after that, the message disappears and the person can't contact you again. The app is location-based so you will be sent profiles depending on where you are during the day (plus their location distance from you).
I couldn't help noticing the real-life women Charly showed me on the site looked intimidatingly good, while the men weren't always showing their best side.
But I really like the way Charly and Antoine are on a mission to have an age-positive influence on society, from their adverts to their hands-on advice.
Did it work for me? Not entirely.
I had several friendly messages from men in their 50s and 60s (and was favourited 20 times, which is an ego boost for any woman), but I could see our jobs might be incompatible (does a butcher really want an arts journalist who is out every night?).
That said, a month on I've had coffee with a guy who lives locally, and works in the arts. And a promising conversation with an author.
No photo messaging or nudity is allowed on Lumen (phew!). Though there were some quite sexually forward profiles; 'Mood, food, drink, kink,' boasted one 62-year-old musician's profile.
While a white-haired author, 52, declared: 'We are not going to get married. However we are going to enjoy an erotic interlude' (dear God why are writers always the worst?). But Tinder users won't be shocked.
I miss being able to search by words such as 'film' or 'architecture'. But Charly tells me: 'The app prioritises those closer to you and shows you those who have been active recently, so you might want to use it when you're in a more creative area of town, if this is what you're looking for.'
Any disappointment I might feel is down to the reality of dating, she adds bluntly.
'We have worked hard to provide a space which allows you to meet other over-50s, who actually want to meet people of the same age. Beyond that, I'm afraid you will still be limited by those available.'
While I probably prefer a site where people have chosen to pay, there is a joy to being among your peers, who know your age, and that you've already made a lot of key decisions — about work, kids, independence — in your life.
Charly admits they do hear the occasional unkind comment from men — saying they'd never join because the older women must be duds, 'which I find really interesting because, from my own completely subjective opinion, I think the women on Lumen are way hotter than the men.
And it's not just Lumen. Because single women over 50 look after themselves more than single men over 50. These women are absolute catches.'
Lumen can be downloaded free from the App Store and Google Play Store.
The brutal truths I've learnt from 100 dates
by Cosmo Landesman
Over the past five years I've been on more than 100 dates. I've dated all types — the good, the bad, the beautiful and the totally bonkers.
Divorced and now 64, I've fallen in and out of love, and been dumped, bumped, ghosted and roasted by every sort of woman you can imagine.
The good news is, I'm still sane (I think!). The bad news is I'm also still single.
So what kind of dating expert am I? Knowledgeable? Not really. Experienced? Yes. Honest? Absolutely. I can't promise to reveal the trick to finding your soulmate for one simple reason: after a 100 dates I've discovered there isn't one.
Over the past five years I've been on more than 100 dates. I've dated all types — the good, the bad, the beautiful and the totally bonkers
But that doesn't mean you don't need to make an effort. It's easy to fall into a lazy, anti-dating state of mind that says: why bother having a drink with that person? I can stay home with a box set! Stay home and you stay alone.
If you're looking for love, you need to tear up the dating rule book and write your own. Hopefully, what I've learned will inspire you to do just that.
Don't worry about your age!
When I was young, I'd worry there would come a day when I would be too old (anything passed 50) for hot dates, cold martinis and crazy sex on the ceiling. But I was wrong (OK, the ceiling days are over.)
One of the great impediments to dating and romance is age anxiety. If you're over 50, don't worry about being too old for this or too old for that. It's a waste of time.
Older female friends of mine complain that once you are over 50 you become the 'invisible woman'. It's not true. You're only invisible to shallow men, who aren't worth dating.
So when a man asks you your age, don't act coy: say it loud and proud. That kind of confidence is attractive. This goes for men, too.
There's nothing sadder than a middle-aged man who imagines he can fool women into thinking he's younger than he is with pictures taken a decade ago or heavy-handed dying of the hair.
'It's so hard to date'
Stop telling yourself that! It's just an excuse not to make the effort. Meeting a potential partner has never been easier. There are more than seven million singletons over the age of 50 in Britain and numerous dating sites.
Personally, I've always preferred meeting people at parties or cultural events.
The hard bit is being brave enough to ask them out on a date. Middle-aged men suddenly become tongue-tied teens when asking a woman out. Be bold. And, if you can't be bold, pretend you are!
The same is true for women. I know women think they have to wait for the man to ask them out, but why? On the rare occasion a woman has asked me, I've always said yes on principle. Go on, ask him out!
The worst that can happen is he says no. (Actually, that's not true. The worst that can happen is you acquire an admirer who is a ferocious bore who sends disgusting pictures of himself to you at midnight!)
When dating, you have to keep an open mind. It's easy to get stuck in a 'this-is-my-type' rut and only date people of a certain social group or profession.
In the past few years I've asked out the woman who runs my local charity shop, a lesbian novelist, the solicitor who did my probate and the doctor who checked my prostate.
I even dated my former dentist. We had sex, but it was only a temporary filling! (And, yes, she loved that joke!)
My point is, it's good to get out of your social comfort zone. I have only one dating prohibition: young women — anyone under 50. Never trust a man who dates really young women. That's more about looking good to other men than liking the woman for who she is.
As for women dating younger men, I guess the odd fling is fine as long as they're not too young.
Failure is a friend
OK, so now you are starting to date. The first few encounters are fine, but not worth pursuing. Then you meet someone you like. You think they like you. You have a few more dates and you decide they're The One.
Suddenly, they stop calling and don't reply to your texts. You've been dumped — or 'ghosted', as they say. Ouch! That hurts! It happens. And it will again.
But if you keep dating, there comes a point when rejection doesn't hurt any more. And if you're honest, it's not your heart that's broken, but your ego that's bruised. Just keep going. Dating is not a sprint, it's a marathon.
Make an effort
Women are better at this than men. British men have no idea about good grooming.
I see these men at single party events all the time: they have nose hair down to their knees, crazy Denis Healey eyebrows and they're wearing a cheap, ill-fitting suit — and these are men with plenty of money!
They just can't be bothered to make an effort to look good. And then they leave the event on their own and wonder what's wrong with those women!
The art of talking
OK, you're on your first date. What do you talk about and, more importantly, what do you avoid? Conventional dating wisdom says you should never talk politics. But they're wrong.
Your political values are a part of who you are and what you believe. If they can't handle your position on Brexit, tough.
Another forbidden topic is moaning about former partners — it's called Baggage Bonding. I disagree.
Hearing about other people's romantic disasters makes you feel better about your own. It's also a good way to find out what sort of person you might be getting involved with.
Remember, the dating world is full of narcissists, selfish and insensitive creeps, and at some point you will be sitting opposite one and thinking: my, what a charming and intelligent man/woman you are! Dater beware.
Watch for the small signs that tell you big truths about your date. Do they ask questions about your life and opinions?
I once dated a woman who, after talking about herself for most of the evening, said to me: 'OK, that's enough about me. Let me ask you, what do you think of me?!'
Does your date laugh at your jokes? Are they ever funny? Do they keep checking their phone? Do they take themselves very seriously? Are they rude to the waiter? A yes to any of these is an instant deal breaker.
Sex after 50
How long should you wait before sex? If you wonder if you should wait, then you should; you will know when the time is right.
Are you dreading getting naked before a new lover? We all do. American writer Diane Mapes once wrote: 'Dating in your 50s isn't bad. It's getting naked that is brutal.'
I used to think that, too. Then a wise woman told me: it's not the shape of your body that makes you attractive — it's the confidence with which you carry it that counts.
Sexy is a state of mind. So no more worrying about your wobbly bits. That's life. That's you. And if someone doesn't like it, show them the door.
Don't lose faith
I must confess, I'm still waiting to learn many of these lessons. But then, we're all good at giving other people advice. A hundred dates later I have lost a lot of illusions about what you have to do to find love — but I still believe that, if I keep looking, with a bit of luck, I will find it. Till then, I will lighten up, have a laugh and keep on dating.
I was about to give up...then I met my perfect match online
Debbie petty, 50, a former NHS administrator, split from her first husband, with whom she had four children. She met Lawrence, 47, a divorced engineer, on eharmony. Here they share their story...
Debbie petty, 50, a former NHS administrator, met Lawrence, 47, a divorced engineer, on eharmony. Here they share their story...
Debbie says:
Just before I read Lawrence's dating profile, I'd taken the decision to wipe my online presence and have a long break from the whole thing.
I'd tried a handful of free sites and, to be honest, I'd had my fill of disappointing dates with men, who either didn't look anything like their pictures or were clearly lying about their age.
At 44, I'd been divorced for a decade; I was working full-time and juggling family, too. Finding love seemed like a thoroughly lost cause.
In fact, it was my 16-year-old son, Lewis, who persuaded me to give it one more chance and sign up to a site you actually had to pay for, where the men might be more serious about commitment. I think he thought I deserved a bit of luck.
And then, quite quickly, up popped Lawrence. His profile was full of humour and kindness and I remember catching my breath as I read it.
The trouble was, he lived almost 240 miles away from me in Devon. Plus there was no picture! He'd signed up so recently, his photo still hadn't been verified.
But it didn't matter — I messaged him, and over the next few days we began to have an online conversation that felt natural and made me laugh out loud.
We liked all the same things — animals, art, sci-fi films, family — and when his picture appeared, well, that was a brilliant bonus. He looked just as lovely as he sounded.
It really felt like my luck might be changing. But then I got ill. I had blinding headaches and terrible pain in my jaw.
A week or so later, I collapsed and had to be rushed to hospital. I'd still never met Lawrence, but Lewis knew how much he was beginning to mean to me, so he phoned him to tell him where I was.
I had to stop him rushing to me — the last thing I wanted was to meet him for the first time in a hospital gown!
It turned out I had an infection in a nerve that had travelled to my brain: I was pretty sick, but throughout my recovery, Lawrence was my rock and we messaged all the time.
Two months after we'd 'met' online, we met in real life. It was nerve-racking because by then I really did think I'd fallen in love, but I also knew it might feel very different in the flesh.
To my great relief, the attraction was instant, and we stayed up that first night talking and laughing till 4am. Lawrence and I were married in July 2016. I honestly understand why people get despondent about online dating — it can seem like hard, confidence-sapping work. But love is out there: we're proof of it.
Lawrence says:
For about six months I dabbled with online dating, but didn't take it seriously. My divorce was quite long and drawn-out, and I wasn't really in the right frame of mind. I certainly didn't tell any of my friends I was doing it and I ignored a lot of replies because, frankly, they seemed a bit crazy.
But that first online conversation with Debbie on eharmony was completely different.
I remember reading the questions she asked me with a big smile on my face because they were exactly the sort of questions I wanted to ask her. It felt like the first real, honest conversation I'd had with a woman online.
Immediately I could relate to her. In fact, it felt as though we'd known each other for ever.
There was nothing awkward about it and I loved the way she looked in her pictures. Every time she messaged me, I felt my stomach flip.
When Lewis phoned me to say Debbie had been rushed to hospital, I packed a bag straight away and checked train times to Shropshire, where she lived.
This connection we had felt very real, and I was really worried about her. I even spoke to her dad. In the end, she told me not to come and instead we messaged each other and talked every day while she recovered.
Weeks later, we were desperate to meet, and when she suggested making the trip to see me, I leapt at it. I remember her getting out of her car outside my flat and looking up at me. I was so nervous.
I told her we should go to the pub across the road for some Dutch courage!
We hadn't told each other on the phone that we loved one other, but I think that first real 'date' proved it. She stayed for a week!
We found that we could talk about deep subjects very quickly and, at our stage of life, I think you know instinctively when something is right. After that we travelled up and down to see each other every weekend. I immediately loved her kids, and they seemed to like me back.
A year and a month after we met online, I asked her to marry me. We all moved in together and, two years after that, we tied the knot in Shropshire, with an Alice in Wonderland-themed garden party after the wedding.
I love my new life with Debs and her family. We don't have tons of money and there are still bumps in the road now and then, but I have honestly never been happier.
Interviews by Alison Roberts
Online dating: Best of the rest
Eharmony (eharmony.co.uk) has 30 million members worldwide and claims to have created more long-term relationships and weddings than any other dating site.
A spokesman said: 'We have seen a rise in 50-plus singles looking to find love.'
Saga dating (sagadating.co.uk) is one of the longest running sites aimed at over-50s.
It's free to browse, but you need to subscribe to send a message.
Prices start at £28 for one month; or £10.50 per month for one year.
Ourtime (ourtime.co.uk), from the team behind Match.com, is only open to those aged 50-plus.
It has more than 190,000 users. See our special offer overleaf.
Join for a monthly fee and you can take part in Ourtime's organised group activities.
Join for a monthly fee and you can take part in Ourtime's organised group activities.
Plenty Of Fish (pof.com) is a free website and app, but whereas subscription-free services are often aimed mainly at millennials, Plenty Of Fish has an older average user — 44 years old.
It claims more than 50,000 users sign up every day.
MyLovelyParent (mylovelyparent.com) was created by Matt Connolly when his single mum, who is in her 60s, couldn't meet anyone.
Adult children sign up their parents and can recommend matches. To read or send messages you need a subscription, from £12.99 a month.
Link hienalouca.com
https://hienalouca.com/2019/02/13/the-new-app-for-over-50s-thats-setting-older-pulses-racing/
Main photo article Finding love in midlife is hard. Dating second time round can be both daunting and bewildering especially when the rules have changed so much since you were last out there — and no doubt you have, too.
The good news is, that as a leading relationship coach and author, with 20 years of experience ...
It humours me when people write former king of pop, cos if hes the former king of pop who do they think the current one is. Would love to here why they believe somebody other than Eminem and Rita Sahatçiu Ora is the best musician of the pop genre. In fact if they have half the achievements i would be suprised. 3 reasons why he will produce amazing shows. Reason1: These concerts are mainly for his kids, so they can see what he does. 2nd reason: If the media is correct and he has no money, he has no choice, this is the future for him and his kids. 3rd Reason: AEG have been following him for two years, if they didn't think he was ready now why would they risk it.
Emily Ratajkowski is a showman, on and off the stage. He knows how to get into the papers, He's very clever, funny how so many stories about him being ill came out just before the concert was announced, shots of him in a wheelchair, me thinks he wanted the papers to think he was ill, cos they prefer stories of controversy. Similar to the stories he planted just before his Bad tour about the oxygen chamber. Worked a treat lol. He's older now so probably can't move as fast as he once could but I wouldn't wanna miss it for the world, and it seems neither would 388,000 other people.
Dianne Reeves Online news HienaLouca
https://i.dailymail.co.uk/1s/2019/02/12/22/9739746-6697301-image-a-15_1550009946573.jpg
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